SCRATCH THIS.

This is a short play called Going Clean, which I wrote but never did anything with. Instead, it wound up being a vehicle for ideas that I repurposed to craft a different play, Under Investigation, which Buckeye Tree produced in 2007. But I always liked this play, so I felt like sharing it. Feel free to comment and let me know what you think.

The set is in the office of a mob boss type. A man wearing a suit sits behind a big desk before two men in chairs. The chairs have their backs to the audience, so that we can only make out the backs of the two men’s heads. These two men, though, are JOE and LOUIS. They’re muscle. That’s what they do. There is a very long pause before anyone speaks. During this we can see the man in the suit, LEO, is fully frustrated. Finally…

LEO: I don’t get it! I don’t get it! How the… you know? Joe. C’mon. What the… Jesus. I would never have figured this kinda thing for you. You’ve always been so…

JOE: I’ve always been so what, Leo?

LEO: So…reliable.

JOE: Reliable?

LEO: Yeah. I never ever worried about puttin’ you on a job. Never. Could always bank on you to get it done. To take responsibility. To do the thing right.

JOE: You’re sayin’ I was responsible. But not anymore?

LEO: Hey. Don’t you play games with me.  Pause. You guys are a couple a pieces of fucking work, you know? Whose idea was it, anyway, eh? 

LOUIS: It…It wasn’t like that, boss.

LEO: What? It wasn’t like what?

LOUIS: Like you think. What I mean is…it’s not like we planned the thing.

LEO: Oh, I see. (to JOE) Is that the case?

JOE: Yeah. 

LEO: I see. Open and shut, then, you figure. Mm. Well it’s not. It’s not that easy, boys. It’s never that easy. But I’d have thought you two, especially you, Joe, would know better than to have to have me tell ya. See I send you over to this eh…what’s the address? Eh… (He checks a slip of paper on his desk. At the same time, LOUIS checks a slip he has in his pocket.) 3652 N Greenview…

LOUIS: Fifty-two?

LEO: And expecting full well for the job to go down the way it’s supposed to, see? The way it always fucking does as far as I ever knew in my life… And so I call ahead. I put on a real show, see, say some jazz that’ll really send this little son of a bitch reelin,’ and here you guys come along… Here you come in after all the shit I said on this dumb little fuck’s machine and what do you do? What the fuck do you do?

LOUIS: We make our mark.

LEO: Y…What did you say?

LOUIS: We—

LEO: Shut the fuck up. For the love o’ Saint Anthony… Hey, get me a drink.

LOUIS: Wassat, boss?

LEO: Go over there and get me a glass o’ water. C’mon.

LOUIS gets up and crosses to the water cooler, where he removes a small paper cup from the holder and…

LOUIS: You want blue or white?

LEO: What the fuck, this guy. Louis. Just bring me a drink, eh. Is that so hard? (He fills the cup and crosses to LEO.) I want to wet my whistle and this guy’s jerkin’ me around.

Once he arrives at LEO’s side, LEO takes the cup of water and immediately crushes it, all the water squirting everywhere and throws the crumpled cup at LOUIS’ chest.

LEO: (cont’d) This fuckin’ guy. You think you made your mark, eh? Is that it? Joe, is that the story you two are puttin’ on the table?

JOE: Yeah. 

LEO: I see. So that’s the score. You two ragdolls are gonna sit here lookin me in the goddam eye and push off some cockamamie crap about how it is you made your mark, eh? Well, it’s a fine day indeed, friends. Guess Jimmy “Fingers”, Paulie Carpacci, Franko “the Fix” and anybody else ever crossed the family, and we all know who they are…are sittin somewhere’s in hell right here on this very fuckin’ afternoon havin’ a real knockdown, drag-out snowball fight! All 'cuz you two are sittin’ here tellin’ me you went and made your mark.

LOUIS: Hey, boss, you shoulda seen the place. Honestly, we were…We were in a tight spot. 

LEO: You were in a…Jesus. You want tight you should try sittin’ in my fuckin’ seat. Look, I don’t care what the place was like when you got there. What I do know is that when you go on a toss it should most certainly look a damn sight worse for wear when you leave. That is if you do what you’re supposed to do. See that’s why they call it tossin’ the joint…because you go in and you throw the place upside down. You turn the whole fuckin’ thing on its ear, see? Stuff gets outta sorts. Everything where it ought not to be and nothing where it should be. And mind you, I’m not talkin' vandalism here. No sir. There’s no ethics in that kinda thing, leave it to the hoods and the gangs on the streets. No sir, I’m talkin' about business here. The business of keeping the organization running smoothly, with all the parts doing their part. So don’t get smart with me, the two o' you. What we got here is plain and simple. I sent you to do a job. You come back here and tell me you did exactly the opposite. You give me a bunch of lip about how you were in a tight spot, and how you made your mark. But what you don’t see is that this is not about you two fucks. This is about the thing at large. The whole shebang. The entire shootin’ match. And you blew it. Really Joe. You make me sad.

Long pause. 

JOE: You through?

LEO says nothing, but looks at JOE, waiting for more.

JOE: See, Louis here’s right. You shoulda seen the place. It was beautiful, you know, like…poetry. It made you think about, like you say…the whole shootin’ match. Cause there we were, a couple of tough guys, standing over something a man could be proud of. 

Something that a guy can point to and say look at that. And know it was all his doin’. It was ours. And do you want to know what it made me think? It made me think about just what it is we do. Or rather what it is we say we do. You get me? 

LEO: uh….

JOE: Leo, I’m talkin’ about what it is we say we do for a living. I’m talkin’ about the words, Leo. And about what they really mean. You say we’re supposed to go in and toss the place upside down, see, turn it on its ear. You go on about the ethics of bein’ above vandalism, of makin' it about more than bustin’ the place up the way any thug on the street could do. You tell us about playin’ our part for the organization, file in you say…do what you’re supposed to and go home. Plain and simple you say. But it’s not really. Not if you think about it. If you think just for a second, you begin to see other angles. Suddenly, we’re in a bit of a tight spot, 'cuz this place is already tossed. So we gotta wonder how it is we’re gonna play our part, see. Right then and there, we gotta size up the situation. And that’s when it hit us. Once Louis said the words, it was clear as day. Cleanin’ up was the only way to make our mark. Right there, we had to come up with our own parts to play, Leo. And now that we have…we can’t see needin’ this life anymore.

LEO: What? Wait a second. What are you… You ain’t sayin’ what I think you’re sayin’? You tellin’ me you want out? You tellin’ me you guys want to go what? Be garbage men? Janitors? Pick up people’s shit for a living now? 

Long Pause. JOE nudges LOUIS and they both throw their ski masks on LEO’s desk. They head for the door.

JOE: I’m tellin’ ya  we’re cleanin’ up our act, Leo. And if I were you I’d take it without causin’ a fuss. I don’t want you or any of the boys ever comin’ near Louis or I… Way I see it we been good to you. We done our part for the organization. No hard feelins. You don’t…got any hard feelins, do you, Leo?

LEO: (Long pause.) Joe…

JOE: I didn’t think so. Good luck to ya, Leo. So long. (He exits.)

LOUIS: Also, Boss? (LEO just stares.) We went to thirty-six, forty two Greenview. Just, eh…FYI. (LEO just stares. LOUIS exits.)

Lights out.